Christian Dating: A Guide to Pursuing Biblical Marriage
What does dating look like a Christian? For those of us called to marry, we have to begin somehow, right? Our culture offers endless advice about relationships, but often fails to point us toward God’s design for marriage. Marriage is God’s gift, and we should pursue it in a way that honors Him.
In this guide, we will explore the road to biblical marriage. These are some things that helped me and are my own conclusions from Scripture. I am no expert and did not do it perfectly, but I hope to give you some things to consider, bringing clarity and intention as you partner with the Lord in this pursuit.
As always, my encouragement to you is to seek the Word yourself… you will be blessed.
Dating Then and Now
Modern dating is a relatively recent cultural practice, and it is not in the bible. Christians have freedom in how they pursue marriage—but not freedom to ignore God’s principles.
While God-honoring marriage can absolutely come from dating, we have to guard our hearts against some of the common themes we see in the current culture. Again, dating is not in the bible, and a lot of the common practices in the dating scene are unbiblical and quite hurtful. Emotional entanglements, lack of commitment, too much commitment, lack of clarity, etc. are unnecessary hurts that can be avoided and do not honor our Lord.
Is Dating In the Bible?
While marriage is undoubtedly God’s design (Genesis 2:24), the way in which it has been pursued has varied throughout history and cultures. In bible times, dating as we know it today was not a thing. Instead, marriages were often arranged and consisted of a betrothal (i.e., legal engagement period). Mary, the mother of Jesus, for example, “… had been betrothed to Joseph, [and] before they came together she was found to be with child from the Holy Spirit” (Matthew 1:18).
While Scripture doesn’t mention dating as we know it today, it speaks extensively about marriage. This suggests our greatest attention should be given to preparing for a godly marriage rather than perfecting a dating experience.
How are we supposed to do this?
As in most things, we must go against the tide.
“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect” (Romans 12:2).
What Is Courtship?
In some Christian circles, you will hear the term courtship. Courtship is essentially a more structured form of marriage pursuit that has marriage as the end-goal, boundaries in place, and wise counsel involved. It is less casual and more intentional and exclusive by definition.
Again, these are all terms that we have invented over the years, and they only last a season. We can worry less about what we call it and focus more about the intention behind it.
Pursuing Marriage as a Christian
The purpose of intentional dating, courting, or pursuing someone in this way is to discern if marriage with this person is God’s will. When you discover it is not, praise the Lord for His protection, and kindly end the relationship.
While this process can bring joy and excitement, this season can often be hard work. The process of finding a spouse is a diligent one, and it’s important to remember that the goal is not to find fulfillment, satisfaction, or oneness in this relationship. These are precious gifts to be enjoyed in the covenant of marriage.
Is Modern Dating Biblical?
While it may sound controversial, some argue that the modern dating scene can be unbiblical. Others write books and construct sermon series around “biblical dating.”
Aside from the debate, God will give us the wisdom we need as we pursue marriage when we believe and do not doubt (James 1:5). The way a Christian goes about discerning their spouse can be God-honoring when done with wisdom and partnership with the Lord and community.
Helpful Questions to Ask When Pursuing Biblical Marriage
Do I understand God’s design and purpose for marriage and the roles within it?
- The world has a great deal to say about marriage, but the Lord has a better way. He is the One who created marriage, and His design is good. My encouragement to you is to spend time searching the Scriptures to understand God’s purposes for marriage and His design for husbands and wives. Doing this completely transformed my understanding of marriage. Praise the Lord!
Has God called me to marriage?
- God does not promise marriage to every believer. In fact, He calls some to remain single, and singleness is no less valuable or blessed than marriage. Both are gifts from the Lord. To learn more about the blessings of singleness, read what the Apostle Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7:7–8 and 1 Corinthians 7:32–35. Before pursuing marriage, spend time asking the Lord whether this is the path He has for you.
Am I ready to be engaged and married?
- If you are not ready to get engaged, there is little reason to begin dating. If you are not ready for marriage, there is little reason to become engaged. The purpose of a Christ-centered dating relationship is to discern marriage. If you are not prepared for that commitment, it is wise to wait until you are.
Do I understand God’s design and purpose for my life?
- Having a grasp on God’s purpose for us as His followers helps protect against the temptation to find our ultimate fulfillment in marriage alone. Marriage is a wonderful gift and a great ministry, but if we begin to worship it, we’ve missed the mark. When we keep Christ at the center, we are free to enjoy marriage as He intended rather than expecting it to satisfy what only He can.
Do I have a vision for my life that is in line with God’s Word?
- As Christians, we have many calls. Perhaps the greatest of them are to love God, love our neighbors, and make disciples (Matthew 22:37–39; Matthew 28:19–20). Marriage provides a beautiful opportunity to pursue these callings together. Instead of it becoming the goal itself, marriage becomes a means of glorifying God alongside your spouse.
What are my boundaries physically, emotionally, and spiritually?
- Boundaries do not restrict us, they protect us and free us to operate in their limits. If you do not set them before getting into a relationship, you run the risk of someone else setting them for you or allowing emotions to get involved, clouding judgement.
Do I have support from wise counsel?
- The Word has so much to say about the value in wise counsel. The book of Proverbs is loaded with this message. Here are a few verses that remind me of this: Proverbs 11:14, Proverbs 15:22, Proverbs 19:20, Proverbs 12:15. Inviting mature and trusted believers to speak honestly into your relationship (often before it even beings) is a blessing. They can often discern things that love can make us blind to.
We don’t have to have all of these answered perfectly, but asking the Lord about them is a great place to start.
Am I Too Young to Get Married?
This was a question I asked myself a few times. In my own judgement, I thought I had to have it “figured out” before marriage. In other words, my potential spouse and I should have careers, a home, be comfortable financially, have time to “find ourselves,” etc. After seeking the Lord, I found very little Scriptural basis for these claims. This was coming from my selfish desire, and it was time to get back to the Lord’s desires. He knows best.
Quick Note:
Pursuing someone (or being pursued by someone) does not mean it is the person you have to marry. As a wise friend once told me, “Date with the intention of marriage but without the expectation.” There is surely some truth to that.
Don’t Put Off Marriage
Albert Mohler offers several helpful observations about delaying marriage that challenged my own thinking and gave me great clarity. Here are some of the takeaways I hope you find to be helpful.
- “What is the ultimate priority God has called us to? In heaven, is the crucible of our saint-making going to have been done through our jobs? I don’t think so. The Scripture makes clear that it will be done largely through our marriages.”
- “Delaying marriage until the late 20s or beyond often allows a person to develop unhealthy lifestyle patterns that become difficult to break once he or she is married…”
- “You’ve got to be urgently seeking [a spouse] as much as you would seek what God would have you do vocationally, as much as you would seek what God would have you to do in terms of your mission for life,”
- “In selecting a spouse, singles often become paralyzed by the idea of finding God’s will for their lives… Discovering God’s will is not an endless shell game, but is simply being conformed to the image of Christ and living in accord with the Scriptures…”
This doesn’t mean everyone should marry as early as possible or that getting married later is bad. Rather, if God is calling someone toward marriage, unnecessary delay based solely on cultural expectations deserves thoughtful examination. Time and time again, studies show the physical, emotional, and financial benefits that come from marriage (2). It is a blessing and not a burden.
Boundaries
We are called to “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life” (Proverbs 4:23).
Recognizing these statements can help you set physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries to guard your heart and bless your marriage. It also is a great way to show respect for your potential spouse. Remember, you are dealing with a child of the King who ought to be honored and respected. They should be more like Christ because of your influence on their life.
The question should not be “How far can I go?” but rather “How holy can I be?” (1 Peter 1:14-16).
Physical Boundaries
God designed sex to be enjoyed within the covenant of marriage. Establishing physical boundaries protects both purity and wisdom. Physical intimacy creates a bond that can cloud discernment and make it difficult to objectively evaluate whether a relationship should lead to marriage. By honoring God’s design, we protect both our hearts and the future covenant He may have for us.
Emotional Boundaries
Before marriage, it is wise to avoid becoming emotionally dependent on a person who is not yet your spouse. Sharing too much or acting as though you are already married can create deep attachments outside of a covenantal commitment. Healthy emotional boundaries allow both people to pursue marriage with clarity rather than emotional obligation.
Spiritual Boundaries
A husband is called to lovingly lead his family spiritually (Ephesians 5:23–33). While a man and woman pursuing marriage can encourage one another in Christ, share wisdom, and pursue holiness together, they have not yet entered into the roles where leadership responsibility is established. By respecting these spiritual boundaries helps, it keeps Christ as each person’s primary source of guidance (in addition to wise counsel!) during the season of discernment.
Christian Dating and Marriage Resources
We are called to a better way. We must know what God says in order to do it. These resources greatly helped me in my understanding.
The focus should be on marriage—the end goal.
Books
- Passion and Purity
- Let Me Be a Woman
- Mark of a Man
- What He Must Be
- Family Driven Faith
Sermons
- Are You Ready For A Relationship?
- Voddie Baucham – Love and Marriage (Full Series: Sermons Only)
- Dating, Courtship, and Marriage – Paul Washer
- Introduction to the Biblical Courtship Series
- A Dating Sermon
Articles
- Becoming Ester
- Mohler message on FamilyLife Today: Don’t put off marriage
- Did He Get Married Too Young?
Final Encouragement
The call of marriage in one’s life is a blessing, and with blessings come tender care and responsibility. Like all things, we can look to Christ and His Word to find the guidance we need. Remember, the goal is not having an ideal dating relationship, the goal is marriage. It was God’s idea, and it is good. Be encouraged, friend! Continue to seek the Lord above all else. He is faithful.
Resources
This was so encouraging thank you🤍
It’s an honor 🙂